A Conversation I Had With Myself

For those of you who thought that living in a Toyota RAV4 for three months would be difficult, try living on a f#@&ing boat.

I’ve been on board for about the past three months now. It’s been eight or so since I last posted anything about my Journey of Fear. Truth be told, I’ve been having trouble finding the motivation to write, as is often the case whenever I’m facing any sort of inner-turmoil.

Speaking of inner-turmoil, I hit a breaking point the other day. Don’t worry, it was good for me. I was preparing to sell the boat (posted a Craigslist ad and everything), go to shore and fly home. But it’s funny…as soon as I told myself “I don’t need to keep doing this sailing thing,” I suddenly remembered a conversation that I once had with myself. Yes, with myself. It’s ok, I’m insane – I’m allowed to talk to myself.

I find it very interesting that anymore, whenever I do find myself writing about my journey, the lessons that I learned in those moments oddly seem to coincide with my life in the current moment. My mindset when I started climbing that mountain was one in which I was willing to let it go – I understood that it wasn’t a necessity to make it to the top (Resolutely Relaxed). And thinking in this way seemed to propel me forward, even through the difficult times along the climb. I certainly needed to remember that right now – as I’ve been hitting a few brick walls with this sailing thing, and have been getting sick of all the pressure that I’ve been placing on myself to make it to the Florida Keys. Remembering to let go and not force myself seems to have jogged something loose. I feel lighter, more free. And, as previously mentioned, I suddenly remembered the following conversation that I once had with myself. I needed to remember this conversation – as it reminded me of why I was down here, and of the one critical truth that pertains to my existence.

Many of you might not understand, or like, what it is that this conversation with myself taught me. Truth be told, I wrote the following for my own benefit, not yours. But I figure that one of you out there might just have something to gain from reading the ramblings of this delusional mind. Perhaps it will help you, whenever you too find yourself questioning the purpose of your own existence.

Either way – I’m posting something. And that excites me. Perhaps it will give me the drive to find more time to do so in the coming weeks.

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Conversing with Myself

Little Me: [heartbroken] I had a dream. I wanted to do this thing. I thought it would be really fun to try it at some point in my life.

Bigger Me: [rolling eyes] Well…why don’t you go for it?

Little Me: Because I can’t!

Bigger Me: [muttering] *God, I get tired of this shit.*

Little Me: For starters, I don’t have {insert some resource that would make doing what I want SO much easier}.

Bigger Me: Mhmm, I see. And you couldn’t do it without {said resource}?

Little Me: [indignant] Well, I COULD if I were insane! But just think of everything that could go wrong! I might {insert some possible life-changing/threatening consequence}. Hell, it might even kill me!

Bigger Me: Yup yup, I hear ya. And if you had {aforementioned resource}, then there’s no chance that {aforementioned negative outcome} could somehow happen to you, regardless?

Little Me: Well…no, I don’t think so…I mean, it COULD, obviously. But it’d be less likely.

Bigger Me: And if you attempted what you want to do without having {said resource} in hand before you start, then there’s no chance that it could all work out well for you in the end?

Little Me: I…I guess anything is possible…but survey says probably not!

Bigger Me: I gotcha champ…so how does it make you feel, watching your dreams fall apart before you ever even tried?

Little Me: [sinking into a depression] Really, really bad.

Bigger Me: I bet. Life probably doesn’t seem worth living.

Little Me: [sinking deeper] I hate my life. Nothing ever works out right. I don’t know why I’m even fighting to stay alive.

Bigger Me: Yeah – I don’t know why you are, either.

Little Me: …what?

Bigger Me: I mean, what’s the point in living if you can’t chase your dreams or try the things that you want to do in this lifetime?

Little Me: [sniffling] There is none.

Bigger Me: To be honest…if you look at things objectively, you’re going to die someday anyways. If you’re really not happy with your life, and feel trapped…why don’t you just kill yourself?

Little Me: [whispering through silent sobs] You’re right, I should…

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[a minute of silence]

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Bigger Me: Watcha thinking lil’ buddy? Trying to figure out the best way to kill yourself?

Little Me: [nodding silently]

Bigger Me: Well, if you’re looking for an idea, I have one – remember that dream that you just said that you really wanted to try, but you couldn’t? You said that doing it might end up killing ya. Well…why don’t you give it a shot? If it does end up killing you, then this miserable little life of yours will be over, and you’ll get your wish! Peace at last. But if it doesn’t, and everything somehow works out…well, then you’ll finally get to experience that lifelong dream of yours! It’s a win-win!

Little Me: [blinks, dumbfounded] But I don’t have {insert critical resource}–

Bigger Me: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE, SHUT UP and TRY IT! You don’t have much time on this little planet, and I’m tired of watching you mope around miserably! Who gives a shit if you could die? Who cares if you could wind up penniless, starving in a ditch? You’re gonna be there one day anyways, and you have NO IDEA how long – or short – that time may be from now. So go – wildly chase that epic dream of yours, even if it takes you off a f#@&ing cliff. Do it with or without {resource that would make it easier} – you can always find another way, and you certainly don’t need it to be easy. I’d rather see you living passionately for a few short seconds, attempting some irrational, suicidal dream, than wallowing in a pit of lifeless depression for the remainder of your existence.

Little Me: [opens mouth to protest, but stops and thinks] So…what you’re saying is–

Bigger Me: KILL YOURSELF. But do it by chasing that crazy dream of yours. Let yourself take that risk of dying, or of going broke, or of being alone. Cause for once, whenever you’re finally out there on the wire and living with a real purpose, you might actually find yourself feeling alive inside. No more playing it safe. No more excuses. Just gun it recklessly towards that dream, as if tomorrow isn’t going to come – cause there’s a chance that it might not. Got it?

Little Me: [feeling not so little anymore] …yeah…I think so.

Bigger Me: Good. Now I’m going back to sleep. Give me a call whenever you finally get out there. I have a feeling that you’re gonna need another pep talk once you do. [pretends to fall asleep] zzz…zzz…zzz.

Little Me: Hey…Big Me…do you really think chasing this dream is gonna kill me?

Bigger Me: [smiling] Nope. For some reason, you just always seem to think that it will.

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